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Humor (File #4)

Collected by Michael L. White
A bus driver and a minister were standing in line to get into heaven.

The bus driver approached the gate and St. Peter said, "Welcome! I understand you were a bus driver - since I am in-charge of housing, I believe I have found the perfect place for you. Do you see that mansion over there ? It's yours!".

The minister heard this and began to stand a little taller. He said to himself, if a bus driver gets a place like that, just think what I am going to get!

The minister approached the gate and St. Peter said: "Welcome! I understand you were a MINISTER. Do you see that shack in the valley?" The minister protested. "I was a MINISTER! I preached the gospel! I helped to teach people about GOD! Why does that bus driver get a mansion and I get a shack ?"

St.Peter replied:"Unfortunately, it seems that when you preached, people SLEPT. But when the bus driver drove, people PRAYED!"


A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"


A county in Arkansas just got 911 service. A woman called 911 to verify that her correct address was in the system. It was. Then she said she wanted to verify the same information for an elderly neighbor. The operator explained that she would have to make that call from the neighbor's house.

A few minutes later the woman called again, and the information for her own home showed up on the screen. Again the operator told her she would have to make the call from the neighbor's house.

"I'm at his house now," the caller said into her cordless telephone.

(Abridged from an AP story in {Northwest Arkansas Times}, 2 July 1996).


Psalm 23

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.



My wife visited our English Conversation class this morning, and a Korean student asked her "What kind of Christian are you? Are you Methodist, Baptist...or what are you?"

My wife answered "We are non-denominational. We don't believe in sects."

Then the student asked "Not even after the wedding?"


Humor from Heaven

A man was trying to understand the nature of God and asked Him: "God, how long is a million years to you?" And God answered: " A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."


A pilot came aboard a large oil tanker to help bring it into harbour. The captian asked him if he really knew where all the rocks were. "No" he replied "but I know where there aren't any!"

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The instructor at a company-sponsored first-aid course asked one of the workers, " What's the first thing you'd do if you found you had rabies?" Answered the worker without pause, "Bite my supervisor."

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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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Avraham (Abraham) wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Yitzhak (Isaac) is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.'

But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son.'



A little boy keeps on making ugly faces at his classmates. Finally the teacher warned him, "Jonathan, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces I would stay that way." The little boy looked at her face and said, "It must be true."

From a newspaper in a town called Big Ugly, West Virginia came a story with a headline, "Rescuers Find Big Ugly Child."

Art Linkletter saw a small boy drawing a picture of a car with a man in the front driving, and a man and a woman in the back seat. He asked who was in the car and the boy replied, "That's God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden."



A young pastor went to visit an elderly lady one day. As he sat on the couch, he noticed a bowl of nuts on the coffee table and asked if he might have some. The woman replied that he could. After visiting with the woman for about an hour, the pastor got up to leave and noticed that he had eaten the entire bowl of nuts during his visit. He apologized for his rudeness and assured her that he only intended to eat a few but had unconsciously eaten them all.

The woman replied, "That's alright, ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them anyway."

An elderly husband and wife died in a car accident at age 94. As they were walking the golden streets of God's celestial realm, there was more beauty and more splendor and more joy there than they had ever dreamed imaginable. One of them turned to the other and said, "Isn't this wonderful?" The other replied, "Yes, and to think we could have gotten here ten years sooner if it weren't for your stupid oat bran muffins."


Two twin brothers named Ike and Mike were a terror to everyone around them. They were constantly getting into trouble. Their mother was at her wits' end. Finally, she asked the pastor if he would mind talking with them and see if that wouldn't cause them to straighten up and be good little boys. The pastor agreed, but he asked to see them one at a time. Since they lived only a block from the church where the pastor's office was located, it was easy for them to walk to his office. Ike went first, and Mike waited on the front porch of their home.

Once Ike was seated in the pastor's office, the pastor just sat behind his desk without speaking and looking sternly at him. This lasted for what seemed an eternity to Ike. Finally, the pastor stood, leaned over his desk, pointed right at Ike, and asked rather loudly,

"Ike! Where's God?!"

This frightened Ike so much that he jumped up from his chair and raced home. As he drew within earshot of his brother Mike, he began shouting,

"Mike! Mike!"

This really frightened Mike, so he hurried down the sidewalk to meet Ike.

"What's the matter, Ike? Are you all right?"

Between breaths, Ike said,

"Mike, we're in big trouble! God's missin', and they think we done it!"


A simple-minded fellow saw an ad in the newspaper for a free cruise down the river. He decided to give it a try. When he arrived at the dock, he asked,

"Where's the riverboat? I'm here for the free cruise down the river."

A couple of bouncers hit him over the head, took his valuables, and threw him into the river. As he floated downstream, he drew alongside another simple-minded fellow who appeared to be in the same fix as himself. He asked,

"Hey, do they serve meals on this cruise?"

The other replied,

"They didn't the last time."


This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"


How about the Indian chief who had a great memory. You could speak with him and come back years later and he would remember everything spoken in detail. His memory was known all around and people were so amazed. One man thought he would say something very insignificent and the chief would probably not remember, especially if it was off the wall and silly; the man came to the indian and said "How chief", and the chief acknowledged with a polite "How". At that point the man asked, "Do you like eggs?" and before the chief could answer, the man turned and walked away. Three years later the man visited the chief again, knowing he would not remember what he said or even that he existed. He said "How chief" and the chief answered and said "scrambled."

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A husband and wife were golfing, and the wife said to the husband, "Honey, if I should die, would you remarry?" The husband gave it some though, and said, "I guess so."

A few holes later, and the wife asked, "Honey, if you would remarry, would you take her golfing?" Again the husband thought, and replied, "I guess so."

Again a few holes later, and the wife asked," If you would remarry and take her golfing, would you let her use my clubs?" The husband answered quickly, "No, of course not, she's left handed!!!"


Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.


If Microsoft built cars:

1) A particular model year wouldn't be available until after that year, instead of before it.

2) Every time they repainted lines on the roads, you'd have to buy a new car.

3) Occasionally your car would just die for no reason while driving, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4) You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. Even then you'd have to pay extra for seats for them.

5) Sun Microsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast, but it would only run on 5% of the roads.

6) The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" light.

7) People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting that they had been available in other cars for years.

8) We'd all have to use Microsoft gas.

9) The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

10) New Microsoft seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.




Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

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A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

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Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:\>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then selfdestructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

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Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a
grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

That makes ME my own Grandpa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!