For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
**********************
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
**********************
On The Lord's Secret Service.
A fellow was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed the fellow by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The fellow said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
*********************
MARK OF THE BEAST
666 - number of the beast
668 - neighbor of the beast
DCLXVI - roman numeral of the beast
666.000 - number of the high-precision beast
1010011 - binary number of the beast
$665.95 - retail price of the beast
$656.66 - Wal-Mart price of the beast
Phillips 666 - gasoline of the beast
Route 666 - way of the beast
666 F - oven temperature for cooking roast beast
666K - retirement plan of the beast
666 mg - recommended daily requirement of beast
6.66% - 6 year CD rate at First Beast Bank ($666 min. deposit)
Lotus6.66 - spreadsheet of the beast
Word66.6 - word processor of the beast
666i - BMW of the beast
666.HG.6666 - URL of the beast
IAM 666 - license plate of the beast
WD-666 - spray lubricant of the beast
66.6 MHz - FM radio station of the beast
666 KHz - AM radio station of the beast
(unknown source)
*****************************
$chool Day$ Corre$pondence
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
< < < < < < < < < < < < < < < < <
Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turnaround and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."
--Audubon Society Magazine
************************************************************************
The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at 0215 he would stop at a small airport and check in with:
"Good morning, Jones Field. Guess who?"
The lone controller was bored, too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "guess who?" call-ups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled:
"Jones Field, guess who?"
The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded,
"Jones Field, guess WHERE!"
establishing proper communications from then on.
***********************
A few observations on Life...
* Life is a grindstone; whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you are made of
* You are never really successful until someone claims he sat beside you at school
* To err is human, to admit it, superhuman
* An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
* It is better to be approximately right than precisely wrong
* Never take a cross country trip with a kid who has just learned to whistle
* The trouble with being on time is that no one is around to verify it
* Calories don't count; they multiply
*********************
Virus Alert!!!! NEW VIRUS ALERT.......
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses!
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes it's presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later; in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You think it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TUNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumthing rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsesses with marrying it's own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your program can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
*********************
A supposedly true story is told of Mark Twain and an unscrupulous business acquaintance of his conversing on the side of the street one day. The business man said,
"I think I'd like to go to Mt. Sinai and recite the Ten Commandments out loud."
To this, Mark Twain replied, "I've got a better idea. Why don't you just stay home and keep them?"
Of course, Mark Twain is also the same man who is reported to have once said, "I think I'd like to go to Heaven for the climate and to Hell for the company."
**********************
Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Steal her blanket.
**********************
FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
-Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
-Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got
enough air in there?"
-Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
-Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
-When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then
act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
-Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
-Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them
to call you Admiral.
-On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.
-Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
-Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
-Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
-Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
-Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
(from Jon Lynn, found at the World's Best Clean Humor site)
************************
A couple of young men were in a bar. They were obviously intoxicated. One put his arm around the other and said, "Hello, friend. Where do you come from?"
"I'm Irish," the second man replied.
"No kiddin'? So am I? Say, where do you live?" continued the first man.
"I live in Suffolk County," replied the second man.
"You won't believe this! So do I! Say, what street do ya live on?" asked the first.
"I live on Kelly Street," answered the second man.
"Well, so do I!" said the first man.
About this time the bartender leaned over to the patron nearest him and said, "It's gonna be a long night. The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
***********************
From the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. They are a set of questions asked of witnesses during trials and the author says they are true.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you alone, or by yourself?"
4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception(of the baby), was Aug.8?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
*********************