Click the Play button to hear "Don't Worry; Be Happy". Depending on the audio plug-in you have installed, however, you may need to click your right mouse button over the player to display a pop-up menu from which to select your playback options.
Collected by Michael L. White
Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge: ... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemeteryin
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumertip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Prayers of Child-like Faith
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And just then He did!"
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She asked, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!' "
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Dear Mr. Powell,
This is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to handle this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than they had with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that may occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
You might be a United Methodist if....... * you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed * you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device * The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper * you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh * you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts--- or, LIGHT THE FIRE boxers * you sit while singing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" * you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn * tithing is encouraged, but widely ignored * half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns * the word "apportionment" sends a chill down your spine * you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease * your pastor has a hyphenated last name * names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar * you consider the monthly potluck supper a sacrament * the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah" * you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it * you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London * your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint * you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out *you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease * your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way * your pastor responds to you with, "I hear you saying....." * there's at least one person in every church meeting who say, "But we've never done it that way before" * your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men * you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues *you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes * you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave * you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a date * you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the "United Mine Workers" * you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister * "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service * you feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" with gusto * you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why * your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads * you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee * you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion * the members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves * you realize that sprinkling, pouring an immersing are not ways of seasoning food * you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday * you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel * you have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get into the sanctuary * when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a treewouldkill you?A pool table.
What is a zebra?26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?Right where you left him.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?Because they have big fingers.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?An onion with very long ears.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
Little Boy in Thunder Storm
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
THE AGE OF COMPUTERS
In March 1992, a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another similar letter and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead!
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"
Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
The top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much he's had to drink, no matter how far from the South he's wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20.. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Elvis who?
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people everyday.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror
like the passengers in his car.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, ... " a pair of socks!
The Biblical Error!
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent 'Easy Reading' to the original script. Suddenly there is a scream in the library. The angels come running only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'" -- the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!!"
Humor only genealogists can appreciate:
My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?
My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap..
I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me ?
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!
It's 1998... Do you know where your-Great-G. Grandparents are?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.
A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it.
Genealogists are time unravelers.
Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
"Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
I should have asked them BEFORE they died!
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower.
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
Genealogists live in the past lane.
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.
Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
Always willing to share my ignorance....
Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy.
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy...will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards.
I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!
SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME!
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and aneyepatch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was sweptoverboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords.Oneof them cut me hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eyepatch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. Said the pirate. "It was me first day with me hook."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."
Translated from a Latin scroll dated 2BC
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usery rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ...... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the east who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know.
"Need Heat" or Effective Advertising
There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date. Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!" The heat was on within hours!
"Please Move Your Cars"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class."
A Pharmacy Sophomore was taking a course in dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water." At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read, "Caution: may cause drowsiness."
Hard at Work and Tired!
Why are we so tired? For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, on vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I've found out the real reason, It's because we're overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work of the entire nation. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading E-mail.
Things I learned from children...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound
puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball
shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Good judgment comes from experience-usually experience
which was the result of poor judgment.
As we get older ...
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, hiscar phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voiceurgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the newsthat there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Pleasebe careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It'shundreds of them!"
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
You Know You Serve A Small Church If:
1. Your spouse is absent and attendance is down 20 percent.
2. Your attendance matches the temperature on a cold morning in January.
3. You find yourself saying, "Will the usher take the offering?"
4. Your favorite verse is, "For where two or three are gathered..."
5. A toddler can crawl from the nursery to the pulpit in five seconds flat.
6. The organ has a built-in rhythm for the Cha-cha-cha.
7. At a meeting you looked around for the Lay Leader, treasurer, and the music director and realized she didn't show up.
8. You learn to trust totally, completely on God.
9. You see the power of God work like you've never seen before.
10. You are aware that you are following the footsteps of the Apostle Paul and many dedicated missionaries throughout history.
There was a fellow who liked to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he would often ad-lib parts of the stories for fun.One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Parden me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and the fellow's son raised his hand and said"I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." - Farmers' Almanac, 1978
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!
God created the mule and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting strange. You will be funny and you shall live for 20 years." The monkey responded, "Lord to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting strange to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.
A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Poker! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Sick at last
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this."
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to 20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in Hell, the Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!!!"
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: 'CLEARENCE 8 FT 3 IN
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,
when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts, "Darn, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher." The Preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets!
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." ***Caution - leave air holes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat are real good friends.
Some days you're the bug -- some days you're the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
WOMEN: Remember, as we get older we are no longer having hot flashes we now have power surges.
Amazing! If you hang something in your closet for a while, it shrinks two sizes.
Age is not important unless you're a cheese or wine.
When my ship finally comes in - I'll probably be at the airport.
The best ten years of a woman's life are between the ages of twenty-nine and thirty.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
One of the most difficult tasks in this world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out -- but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backward?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is, like, night!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why. "
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the exam table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that the dog is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet gets a cat and puts it down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too". The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a golden labrador retriever, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers "$650." $650 to tell me my dog is dead? exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests'".
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
I wonder: do the statements, "Blondes have more fun" and "Ignorance is bliss" have any correlation? Sorry to pick on all you blondes. Hopefully, you all have a good sense of humor. :-)
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Jokes For The Soul
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night, she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I know how to use this and I will if you force me to. . . so get out of my car." The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady got her key to unlock the car. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She proceeded to hrer car, loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. She drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman. No charges were filed.
Q. What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A. Receding hareline.
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. "No peer pressure" she responded.
Two bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take out a clean dish'".
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine," the doctor continues, "Eight..."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that, is how the substitute organist, became the regular organist!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what would a woman like this cost him?? God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib???" ... And now you know the rest of the story.