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Humor File #2
Collected by Michael L. White
Reminds me of a story about a boy who asked his father what the difference was between aggravation, irritation and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks,
"Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here."
The call is terminated. "That's irritation," said Dad.
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number and asked for Alf again.
"No - there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation," said Dad.
"Dad, what's frustration?"
Dad picks up the phone and dials a third time. The same person picks up the phone.
Dad says, "Hello. This is Alf. Has anyone left any messages for me?"
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
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There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep." She said.
"Well thank you." Said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." Said the woman.
"Okay." Replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" Asked the woman.
"Sure." Said the sheep herder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" Queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution. The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
"Actual Newspaper Headlines"
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
84 War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snack - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired - Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Boy, am I tired
Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I`ve been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, dieting, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. But now I find out, it ain`t that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 270 million. 100 million are retired. That leaves 170 million to do the work. There are 30 million in school, which leave 140 million to do the work. Of this there are 115 million employed by the government. This leaves 25 million to do the work. 5 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 20 million to do the work. Take from that total the 16,800,000 people who work for State & City Government and that leaves 3,200,000 to do the work. There are 2,200,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 1 million to do the work. Now,there are 999,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and Me. And you`re sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
90'S SAYINGS (HUMOR)
Get a handle on these hep sayings, and roam free among the computer culture.
A World Wide Web site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead Web page.
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from Web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Dead Tree Edition:
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
People who work at home or telecommute.
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer. Now, let's try again.
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No Sir!"
Q: What do you call a priest who sleep walks?
A: A roaming Catholic.
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's the name of some of the lesser known ones...
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ...
The great-great-grandniece who wore a mini skirt and liked to dance ...
A Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ...
The brother who ate prunes ...
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ...
Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...
His domineering aunt...
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
His magician uncle ...
The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
He also had a Filipino relative ...
The nephew that drove a stage coach ...
Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...
His ornithologist uncle ...
His cousin, the astrologer ...
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ...
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen up their thinking.
In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
Her nose in her books,
And my comments to her
drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
All of a sudden,
He started to bellow.
"ON Cliff notes, on Crib Notes
On last year Exams.
On Wingit and Slingit
And Last Minute Crams."
His message delivered
he vanished from sight.
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
Your teachers have pegged you
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All
And to all a Good Test.
FEED THE CHICKENS
The broilers and eggs of a poultry breeder were the best in the market. A man complimented him and asked :
"What do you feed your birds to get such excellent products?"
"The very best food : almonds, pistachios, pure ghee mixed in the chicken feed," answered the proud breeder.
"How interesting!" replied the other. "I am from the income tax department. I'd like to know where you got all the money to buy such expensive diet." Thereafter the breeder was on guard. When the next visitor complimented him on his produce and asked "What do you give your birds to eat?"
He replied "nothing, nothing at all. I starve them." "That calls for action," replied the visitor. "I am from the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to animals. I charge you with the offence of starving chickens."
When a third visitor came & made similar inquiries, the breeder was more cautious in his reply: "I give them 1 rupee each everyday and let them buy what they like to eat."
Computer Geek Humor
A hard-working computer programmer finally took a vacation. While hiking in the mountains, he came upon a shepherd tending a flock of sheep. Taking a fancy to the sheep, he asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this request odd, but, knowing there was little chance of guessing correctly, agreed.
"You've got 287 sheep," the programmer said. To the shepherd's astonishment, it was the correct number.
The shepherd told the man he'd guessed correctly and to go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home. But, as soon as the programmer picked up a small sheep and started to carry it away, the shepherd said, "Wait a minute. You have to give me a chance, too. If I can guess what you do for a living, can I have that sheep back?"
Figuring there was little chance the shepherd would guess correctly, the programmer went along, only to be shocked when the shepherd said, "You're a computer programmer, right?"
"How did you know?" asked the programmer.
The shepherd said, "Put down the dog and we'll talk about it."
Worth her weight in lead
A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."
The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time, and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and I wasn't watching..."
His wife says, "That's not true. You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time."
He turns to her and says, "Will you shut up?"
The cop says, "And I notice you haven't got your seatbelt buckled."
He says, "Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to undo it to get my wallet out to show you my license."
His wife says, "That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time."
He turns to her and says, "What is wrong with you? Shut your trap."
The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll down the window.
He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"
She says, "Only when he's drunk."
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"You gentiles have taken everything from us," argued the Jew.
"Like what?" asked the Christian.
"Like the Ten Commandments, for a start."
"We may have taken them," replied the Christian, "but you can't possibly accuse us of keeping them!"
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story. It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The Britsh were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
Use a thawed chicken.
A nice lady went to her pastor and said, "Please pray for my pancreas."
The kindly pastor replied, "Well, dear, I don't usually get so specific in my prayers."
To which she replied, "Oh, yes you do. Just last week, I heard you pray for loose livers."
In the newspaper some months ago, one of Ann Lander's readers sent in the following that appeared in the Honolulu Advisor 20 years ago:
"It was reported that Sens. William B. Spong (Va.) and Hiram Fong (Hawaii) got their heads together to sponsor a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to hail the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team after its tour of Communist China"
"Unfortunately, the motion died, cheating Congress out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping-Pong Ding-Dong Bell bill."
What are these Christmas Songs?
1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief
2. Embellish Interior Passageways
3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color
5. Soundless Nocturnal Period
6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural
7. The Yuletide Occurrence Preceding All Others
8. Precious Metal Musical Devices
9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males
10.Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage
11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend
12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural By The First Person Plural
13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize
14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant Future
15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere
16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal Period
17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea Southwest Of Jerusalem
Two old men, both baseball fans, were talking one day wondering if there was baseball in heaven. They agreed that the one who died first would communicate the answer to the other.
The day came that Bill died. That evening, he appeared in a dream to John. John, he said, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is baseball here. The field is beautiful, all the great stars are here playing with us, the sun always shines, it's everything we dreamed of.
That's great, said John, what's the bad news? Bill answered, the bad news is that you're listed as the starting pitcher tomorrow afternoon.
A lady drove into the gas station . The attendant said "Fill her up?"
The lady replied,"I'd be tank full if you would."
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit.
-- in the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS Magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
OCCUPATIONAL HYMNS (HUMOR)
Astronaut - "Nearer My God, to Thee"
Baker - "I Need Thee Every Hour"
Baseball batter - "Seek Thee First"
Builder - "How Firm a Foundation"
Canoeist - "Flow River, Flow"
Dentist - "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Electrician - "O Joyful Light"
Fisherman - "Shall We Gather at the River?"
Gossip - "It Is No Secret"
IRS - "All to Thee" (I Owe)
Jogger - "The Path of Life"
Lifeguard - "Come to the Water"
Sailboater - "Deep River"
Stonecutter - "Rock of Ages"
Watchman - "Silent Night"
Weatherman - "There Shall Be Showers of Blessings"
(from Nov/Dec "Reminisce" magazine)
The graduate with a Science degree asks: "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"